I used to believe that I was an inherently difficult person.  I used to think that I would always be a deeply tortured soul.  It was my destiny.  It was also my destiny that I would break any man’s heart who wanted to be in my life, because I was just emotionally-unavailable enough that they would always want the more they could never have.  They would end up having to leave because it was too painful for them to never fully connect with me, they loved me and themselves too much to stay.  Talk about melodrama.  I held onto these self-pitying thoughts like my life depended on it.  It was how I validated myself, because deep down what I felt was not strong conviction about how desirable I was, and too bad so sad for you my friend, but an incredibly weak sense of self-esteem, and I just had to be armed to the teeth in self-defenses, that I would, of course, try heroically to break down but never fully could, the tragic fate of a yet another brilliant artist.  I was so weak, in fact, that I had zero faith in my ability to change whatsoever.   If I had had any faith, I wouldn’t have told myself these stories, I would have recognized them as the first thing that needed to go.  Naturally, telling myself all sorts of lies trying to pump myself up were intimately coupled with equally destructive and false ideas that were bringing others down, and not just any others, not just some girl on the street I thought was prettier than me, although I’m sure she was a mental target at some point too, the people that got the worst of my jealousy were the ones closest to me, my best friends.  They probably have no idea I ever felt so intensely envious of them, even loathed them at some points for what I thought should rightfully be mine, but it is true, and it’s high-time to let these silly, useless, life-sucking ideas go, fly away, return to the ether and be purified.  I have a life to live!  And I don’t want to be weighed down by false beliefs ANYMORE!

I used to believe that I would always be just a little bit unhappy, because those were the cards that fate had dealt me.  Now I know that I’ll always be a little bit unhappy only if I don’t do the work, if I don’t cleanse my soul and release my pain to the only “person” who is big enough to contain it all.  This sounds so cheesy, but Martina McBridge, a country singer, has a song called “Love’s the only house (big enough for all the pain in the world)” and I think she pretty much nailed it on the proverbial head.  Love, God, Spirit, the cosmos, I’m turning it all over to you, because to think that I’m strong enough on my own would be my most false idea yet.

Good morning all.  I heard on a news show once that people that wake up before 6:58 are happier than those who wake up after.  So I set my alarm for 6:30.  And I could really use a boost in my endorphins right now because I am feeling pretty bad.  I had a photo shoot yesterday that I was really excited about with a wonderful photographer.  I’m started a new business and I wanted to have some current pictures of myself for bio’s online, something to send to potential clients, etc.   So I picked out what I thought was a very flattering outfit.  I borrowed my mom’s knee high black boots, some cute earrings, yay.  But then we started taking the pictures, and they began appearing on the screen, and I almost wanted to cry.  I’ve gained a lot of weight.  And I seriously didn’t know.

It’s been so hard to absorb these images of myself since the shoot; I keep seeing them in my mind and think, is that really how I look??  It’s been so hard because in a way, my life has never been better.  My life has never been healthier.  I found a new path in life, I going to teach kids self-esteem!  I feel more loving than I ever have before, I’m becoming aware of all these energetic blockages and working through them with EFT, journaling, prayer, meditation.  I’ve never been more empowered and more confident in myself.  I’ve even been exercising.  And then I go to this shoot.  And I’m a little nervous anyway because I’ve always been a bit camera shy.  And I’m digging my outfit, and I love my new mission, and I look at the photos and I look like I have a 2 foot round waist.  I felt like such a loser.

I came home after the session even though I was supposed to hang out with my beautiful and wonderful Aunt Deborah for tea, but I just went home and sat on my couch for the next 7 hours.  I felt so depressed.  And then I went to bed and slept horribly, and woke up way before my alarm.  And I kept trying to tell myself, I can change this aroundI can change the internal dialogue I’m experiencing right now.  So I did one of Kris Carr’s self-mothering techniques (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOcIVev6A5Q&feature=player_embedded) and I tried to visualize the girl that I saw in those pictures, the one with the big thighs, the thick waist, with the fat around her chin making it harder to see her beautiful face, I tried to imagine her as smaller than me, like a little child, and I tried to comfort her.  To tell her it was going to be okay.  To tell her that her self-worth isn’t directly tied to the size of her pants.  So while I’m sitting here, and I’m still feeling really sad, I really do know that I’m going to be okay.  Not because I know I’m going to lose the weight, although I hope I do, I know I’m going to be okay because I’m going to change the way I talk to myself.  And reconfirm what I already know, which is that my self-worth isn’t tied to a number on the scale.

I’m going to pray and meditate today, so that I can heal my perceptions of myself on the inside, and if I can do that, if I can do what seems like the impossible, which is to show compassion to the girl who thinks she’s too fat, than no matter what’s happening, or what picture I’m taking, I’ll always feel beautiful.  I am going to take better care of my body, because I think a lot of our self-love comes from the confidence we gain in knowing we take care of our bodies as well as our hearts and minds, but what’s important to know is that my self-confidence doesn’t come only from that.  Getting into shape, if I do it the right way, is really a by-product of learning to love myself even more.  The goal, the dream, the vision, the safe place, is great love, for myself and for others, if I achieve a higher level of health because of that, if I lose some weight and can wear some of my old clothes again, it’s just a bonus, but it’s not the real prize.  I have a life to life!  Extra weight or not.  I have friends to make!  I have childrens’ lives to influence.  To teach them how to know where their own self-worth comes from, that they can follow their dreams!  That they can reach the highest stars if only they believe in themselves!  I am a person who encourages and uplifts, and today I need to encourage and uplift my own soul.  I need to remember that I’m not validated from an outside source, that my self-worth doesn’t come from taking a good picture, or having a tiny waist, it comes from being aligned with my purpose in life.  It comes from being of service to others around me.  It comes from loving with the infinite source that’s always inside of my heart, and letting that love flow freely though me, effortlessly, the way water flows through a stream.

It’s Martin Luther King day.  It’s a day to reflect on some of the tragedies that our nation has faced.  And it’s also a day to love.  From where else did his power to change the world come?  I can only love others to the extent that I first love myself.  So today I’m going to tell me how much I love me.  And I’m really going to mean it, I’m going to love myself passionately.  My destiny is to be empowered.  It is time to rise.  I will fly today.  My spirit is going to soar.  It’s time to rise.  I’m going to fly today, don’t you see?

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